I have been kicked out of Dawns house after she promised me a place to live, after I helped her move across the country, and after I made her so angry that she had to have me out of her house. Though in her terms, she only gave me the option to leave and doing so was my choice. In order to stay, all I had to do was accept the abuse.
Yesterday on the last day of our road trip Dawn had an anger management melt down. She is sometimes incapable of controlling her frustration and anger and will spew that venom out to everyone one around her. On the road trip, in a rest stop, she did that to me. And I will not be treated that way. I am no one’s punching bag. I talked about this in my last post at the end when I reviewed the last days of the trip.
This blog post is not simply to express myself through creative witting which in general is why I started this project. It is an attempt to talk to my sister. I cannot tell her in person what I am feeling or thinking. So I am not here to rally the internet against her. I am here saying my side in the only way I can.
After the road trip and we were in her house I was angry with Dawn for how she had treated me. And I cannot talk to her for she will literally scream over me until I shut up. Blowing the car horn. Yelling “I don’t want to hear it.” or yelling “la la la la la la.” until I stop.
So I stop. Entirely. I check out.
Is it the most mature thing to do? I don’t know. Is it my only option? Either that or accept her abuse, excuse her actions, and chalk it all up to “That’s just the way Dawn gets sometimes. You have to let it go.”.
So I don’t speak to her. I stay in the room she has provided for me the first night and the first day at her new house. I help her empty the trailer and car. Otherwise I stay in the room. She comes into me room, with out permission, and I try to express that this is not okay. To which she says:
“You drop your fucking attitude or pack your shit and leave. So sorry you got called out on your bull shit.”
So I packed my shit. Cried. And left.
I posted on Facebook that I got kicked out and needed somewhere to go. The responses were mixed: supportive from friends such as “You can come here." Or condemning from family such as “stop being a whining bitch” or “your being inappropriate”. My brother John messaged me the following:
John:
Uhhh wtf
What’s wrong?
Me:
Dawn had an anger meltdown in the car yesterday and took it out on me. Screaming at me. She won’t talk about it and I’m angry about it.
So today she told me to drop my attitude or pack my shit and leave. Sorry I was called out on my bull shit.
John:
Jesus Chris when will all of you stop this poor me fucking acts? No no please tell me. It is a fucking joke. You flipped out over Walmart and fucking plastic bags? Do you not know where you come from? You are 40 fucking years old. What do you have to show from it Janel? I’m sorry but grow the fuck up. I built three lives on two continents. And fucking did it with hard work.
Me:
Fuck off
John:
You sound like a tump supporter fake news. That is the fucking problem. Tell me to fuck off all you fucking want. But screaming over plastic bags is insane. And you deserve what you get now. Quit your bull shit. Be happy for what you have and stop being a judgmental ass. And cry your ass to sleep.
Since I did not say any thing to John about plastic bags or Walmart I have to presume that came from Dawn.
**Addendum April 11: I have been asked what the deal was with the Walmart and plastic bags screaming on my part. The short answer is, nothing. It's made up. Anyone who knows Dawn knows she will routinely embellish and exaggerate a story. In this case, I believe she is shying away from looking at the rest stop meltdown and therefore has to find other reasons for why it was acceptable for her to kick me out. What actually happened regarding Walmart and plastic bags was she wanted to find a Walmart to buy dog poo bags. I didn't. So instead I suggested she grab some free bags at the pet walk area of the hotel. That was that and we got on the road.**
Which is the problem with not talking to each other. I can’t tell her the reason I’m angry and hurt. I can’t hear from her anything she has to say, other than the venom she spews when in a meltdown. There is a reason communication is key to healing relationships. And there is a reason why that is such a challenge.
When you try to communicate to some one like my sister your pain, your put yourself in a vulnerable position where you can be attacked, kicked, knocked down, and destroyed. In my experience, Dawn is expert at all of those things when she needs to defend her actions.
Again on Facebook, the day we arrived in Norfolk and she kicked me out of the house, Dawn wrote a post saying:
“I made it safe and sound to my new home!... Much thanks goes to my sister (tag me) for taking on the lions share of the driving!!!”
To which I reply
“She is so thankful that she kicked me out of her house the day after we arrived for a bad attitude and she is sorry to call me out for my shit”.
After which my niece comes back with:
“Janel, I do love you. Hope you know that. But the way you have been acting is very inappropriate. She is doing the best with the cards she’s been dealt. As are you. As you both know, this family is very inclined to butt heads, yell, bitch, and scream. However, that does NOT mean that it’s okay to do that. You both are dealing with a shit time. And the way to deal with that on BOTH ends is with grace and understanding. 100% not necessary to be posting/ commenting petty/ catty things such as this and other recent posts. I know as do you that my mom is sometimes a little hard to deal with, especially during stressful and traumatic times (her dead husbands bday was yesterday, she just moved away from her kids, left the job that she worked at for 13 years, we are ALL dealing with a damn pandemic) that’s just all the more reason to be empathetic and show extra respect towards EVERYBODY.”
To be clear on the posts that my niece is referencing, at least from my end - my posts since this road trip began have been:
April 1: bird on my shoulder video - goose hiding in my hair on the first night.
April 2: “In Wyoming, on I80. Storm last night and highway is icy. I’m driving Dawn’s SUV with trailer. I try to avoid a pot hole, the trailer loses it, and it fish tails across two lanes, crash the left wheel of the the trailer onto the guardrail, regain control, and pull over on the side of the road. Fuck me.”
April 3: A picture of Dawn and I at a Kansas road sign.
April 4: A picture of a Missouri shot glass.
April 4: “Slowest road trip ever. 500 miles a day is bull shit. #FirstWorldProblems”
April 5: re-posting a meme about shutting down states for COVID
April 5: “No, wait. Now THIS is the definition of “classy”!” with pics of me drinking wine out of a paper ‘mug’
April 6: Dawn posts “Apparently we are now in NC any questions take it up with my sister @(me).”
To which I replied
“My apologies to my sister and her audience for the shit job I did.”
“My defense for the route which is entirely my fault….” after which I spent some time explaining my navigation decisions which had been questioned several times in a manner which I found to be insulting and demeaning. Those comments were mainly relayed to me verbally by Dawn from her private chat which I am not apart of. And which I have been told that my response is just me being sensitive.
“In case any one in Dawn’s audience care: she has thrown me out of her house for my bad attitude. I am all that she says.”
April 7: “And now Dawn has kicked me out. I need some where to go.”
So I write this blog to get it out of me. And to go on my life without the pain and hurt, or at least to lessen it as much as possible. Maybe I can communicate to my sister why and how I feel as I do. Maybe no one ever reads this. Maybe someone from my family decides to be on my side.
I honestly think that Dawn thought that I would just ‘drop the attitude’ as everyone else in her life would have done. That I would have excused the rest stop melt down as just apart of dealing with Dawn. That I would be too afraid to leave with no where to go and to ‘suck it up, buttercup.’ That I would accept the abuse as apart of my life while making as many excuses as needed to avoid ever naming the behavior what it is - abuse.
I found a safe place to go with friends from the Peace Corps soon after Dawn kicked me out. We drank martini’s, told tall tales, and they let me cry when I read my brother’s comments. I have other friends out there asking me how I’m doing, what do I need, and that they have a space for me.
I have cried. I have left. And I will continue to do my best to get a job, a new home, and to make friends and connections with people that build us both up. It’s hard for me. But I have to try and get better at it.
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