Checking in with myself

I’m going to take a minute or five to check-in with myself. I’ve had a lot thrown at me in the last ten weeks and I have been doing my best to process, deal, and function. I was feeling down at site in Vanuatu. There was a death. Then I was grieving with my family and community. There was a milestone birthday. Then the Covid evacuation. Suddenly being back in the US and living with my sister. The cross country road trip. The betrayal. Then to top it off bad test results from the doctor that had me scared. I have spent this time not so much as actively checking-in with myself but rather have been in crisis - reaction mode instead.

So where am I now? Right now I feel like Lady Violette Crawley from Downton Abbey is so very right. “All life is a series of problems which we must try and solve, first one and then the next and then the next, until at last we die.”

Physically I am now living full time in my RV, having made my way from Virginia to Arizona in order to pick it up. Then from Arizona to Oregon both as a way to keep moving, to kill time, and ultimately because I should be starting a new job here.

When Dawn went back on her promise to me to give me a place to live until I could find work and my own place, when she threw me out onto the street like garbage, when she did this over an argument where she was screaming at me, setting me up for bullying, and treating me like her emotional punching bag - she didn’t just betray the trust I had in my sister. She put me in real physical harm by putting me on the street in a time of crisis. As far as she knew, I had no friends and no contacts in this city that we had just arrived in. I had very little money, a lot of which went to pay for half the expenses of the road trip. I had no transportation. I had nothing but my suitcases. And she threw me out, betrayed me, and put me in harms way because she said I had a bad attitude. That's a wound that is going to take a long time to heal and deal with. And I honestly do not think I will ever be able to forgive her for what she has done.

I have been in this space before with my mother. My mother didn’t put me in harms way like Dawn did, but she did betray trust in such a way, and for the hundredth time, that I simply can not have her in my life.

I realize as I reflect on this that there are a lot of similarities between Dawn and our mother in this situation. The two of them are extremely generous and giving - then treat you like their emotional punching bag. And you're supposed to just forgive them these occasional outbursts. Because after all, “She’s so generous.” Basically if you want the gravy train to keep running you’ve gotta deal with the occasional going off of the rails shit shows. Now, Dawn is really successful at this with her family. Our mother is not so successful with her kids. I think that is because the off-the rails shit show is different. It’s easier to forgive and forget Dawn’s anger management meltdowns than it is to forgive mom’s manipulation and control.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about being in this space where I honestly cannot forgive someone and have decided that I cannot have them in my life any more for my own sanity. Am I being selfish? Am I being dramatic? Is there more that I can do to be understanding? To answer these questions I look at my brothers and sisters. I see the same stunts being pulled on them as with me and I see the same pull back with them. When Dawn tries her gravy train / off the rails BS on her siblings, and they don’t put up with it, she seems genuinely surprised. I think she has forgotten that we learned this trick from mom before Dawn tried to pull it and we don’t play that game.

Next I think about the kind of person that I want to be and if I am being true to that vision. If I can live with this. And I think I am and I think that I will have to. It is shitty but the dangerous people in your life simply cannot be allowed. I have a sister-in-law who has reached out to me and has been chatting with me since this all happened. Which is great but new. She is also in touch with my mother. So I did the shitty thing and said that I need space because of the chance that mom was on the other end of the line.

I have another sister who reached out to me to say thank-you for her b-day gift and gee, have I found a job yet? This sister has never said thank you for a b-day gift before. But she does call up out of the blue when there’s been a big family fight. If I fall for the trap I answer the question honestly. Before it was “How have you been?” to which I replied “I just had this big fight with mom and it’s really hard.” After Vicky gets the gist of what happened she then reams me and comes down on me like a ton of bricks for just complaining, that’s not why she called, she wanted to have a pleasant conversation, it’s probably my fault anyways, brought it on myself. And then she hangs up on me. So this time I tell her nothing and say instead “I'm keeping it together. I know your not interested in the negative, but that's my life since Dawn kicked me out. So I won't get into detail.”

That’s where I’m at with hearing from family. I have to consider the ulterior motives based upon our past shared history. In this case, since Dawn and Vicky are tight, if Vicky wants to talk to me chances are she is digging for Dawn and now that I have to treat Dawn like mom, that means Vicky gets no ammunition from me. Because anything I say can be ammunition against me.

And yes, this blog and these posts are also a way for ammunition to be used against me. But I’ve made peace with that since what I say here is what it is. The words are in back and white for anyone to read. If you want to use what I say in my blog against me, just know that that is why I can’t have you be around me. And I’m comfortable with my truth and my voice being out there. It’s actually kind of nice since my voice is not being drowned out by a car horn, screaming, or bullying.

As I struggle with my self worth, my pain, and with depression from the many incidents I have been dealing with, I have continued to press onward with the business of living.

When I was made homeless I had friends willing to take me in. But a part of me didn’t want to be dependent any more on someone else. Between the evacuation and the homelessness I just needed more control over my living situation. So I used points to get a plane ticket to Arizona to pick up the RV. Paid the company what I owed them, which is bull, and got out of there.

This is one of those situations that if I was the kind of person to scream my frustration at another person, then I would have been hoarse by the end of the day. And for Dawn to accuse me of screaming at her when it was the other way around is sad to me but entirely unexpected. For my family to believe that that is how I actually behave - that is hurtful to me.

So I go to pick up the RV. And it has been damaged, modified in the most fucked up way, and all of my stuff inside is gone. I detach from these situations, I just wanted my RV and then to go. I could not face spending one more day dealing with these people. So now I have a broken slide cover. The overhead cab space has been modified to accommodate a presswood board cutout for a bed - instead of just getting the mattress that fits into the space. And when I dropped off the RV I said the stuff inside - dishes, towels, linen, etc - wasn’t important to me. And they sure did take me at my word. It was completely empty when I picked it up. The only thing that I really wanted and asked for but they had lost was the privacy curtain for the cab area. Kaelyn had dyed that for me. And it’s gone.

I stayed in Phoenix trying to get my close of service physicals done. But with covid I couldn't find a primary care doctor to see me. I did find an urgent care clinic that could do the lab work for me. I had just said a few days prior that so much crap has happened to me that there was most likely nothing out there that could get a rise out of me. It's like the universe said "Challenge accepted!" And then I got bad results.

Since then I have been living in the RV. Which means my biggest two challenges are 1) finding places to park it and 2) keeping up with the gas, propane, and tanks. Given the money situation I have been doing my best to find free parking where I won’t be kicked out or ticketed. Plus in an effort to try and find the positive in my situation I am now exploring some. Going out into the wild and rural areas where I can feel nature around me.

As I was exploring and just being a bum in general I was interviewing for jobs. And I got offers! I interviewed with a company that contracts with the federal government. When I originally talked to HR they asked for my salary requirements. Then I interviewed with the hiring manager and found out about the position. It’s a ‘boring’ job in DC. I would be the Industrial Hygienist for an office building. And that’s it. So I looked into where I could live with the RV, thought about the cost of living in the area, and do I really want the ‘boring’ job. It would be a great break. But would it benefit me career wise and help to get the International Labor Org. job that I really, really want? So I emailed the hiring manager and declined to be considered for the position any further.

Then I focused my job search on federal employment. I want to hit the five year mark for retirement investment, I want to stay enrolled in the public service loan forgiveness program, and I want to get a year of being a GS-11 under my belt. I got offered two jobs at the GS-11, which puts my pay at lower than the civ job, but it’s work that will give me great experience and I think will be very interesting. Then the civ job came back with an increase in the pay. Which would have been a lot of money.

MIND BLOWN!!!

Should I take it? It’s a lot of money!! But, it will all be spent in cost of living. Do I want to live and work in the Baltimore / DC area? Not really. Do I want the ‘easy’ job? Not really. Do I want to make a fat paycheck? Hell ya!!

So I talked it out with some friends and a colleague who were like “Do what you think is best for you.” And I did. I’ve accepted the federal position in Oregon, that comes with a recruitment bonus, thank you very much! But that is so me. I turn down the high paying, low stress job for the less paying (but no slouch!) more work position.

And that is where I am at. I’m dealing with emotions, crisis of conscience and self, depression, and hope. I’m trying to find the best I can each day by going to places that are beautiful and I can feel the spirit of the air, the trees, and the waters. And I am hoping that soon the wounds will heal.