"I'm divorced." has ended many matchmaking discussions over the years to my intense relief. I am so happy to be a divorced woman so that people looking to 'set me up' or arrange a marriage for me to their son or their friend will then back off and go away.
As a woman in many parts of the world, and in my personal experience in Kuwait and Vanuatu, if you are an un-married woman then there is the perception that this is a situation that needs to be remedied. For various cultural reasons, generally based on patriarchal principles, a woman is supposed to follow the path in life of get married, have children, and take care of the house. That however is not my chosen path and I do not appreciate the attempts to put me onto said path. As a woman in the Marines in Kuwait I found it highly insulting to be approached by a national for the purpose of marrying his son. I'm in uniform, apart of the security detail for his work crew, and the man actually had the gall to treat me like property to be bartered for.
Here's how it went down. I was a cook in the Marines, so when we would go on deployment, and my job was outsourced to a civilian work crew, I was put on security details. In this instance I was watching the crew that was working in the kitchens. Ha-Ha irony. The leader of the work crew comes up to me, and without asking, just takes my hand and flops it around by the wrist saying 'You're too skinny, your too small." (at the time I was 120 lbs) Then he pats my hand and says "Put on a few pounds, make a good wife for my son, many grandchildren!! How much is your father asking?"
So I was floored by this but had one over-riding thought in my head - don't punch him in the neck you'll be the one in trouble tomorrow. Instead I tried to be professional and tell him I can't marry his son, I don't want to. And he say's "Not your choice." Hoo boy - now I really wanted to lay this guy out on the floor but I restrained myself with the thought - "Don't be an international incident!" Looking back, I don't think I would have minded being an international incident for this, defending my rights as a person and that gender does not make me a commodity. But at the time I was trying my best to not get into trouble, again. So I went with, "I'm divorced." That shut the guy up and make him walk away.
It worked, but did it work for a good reason? I feel like Hilary Clinton when she talked about the debates with Trump and the way he would physically crowd her. She said that at the time she wanted to be as professional as possible so didn't say anything. But looking back, she wished she had told the man to back off and give her her space. Women are always being condemned when we are passionate and men commended for the same. I do wish I had punched the guy in the neck for treating me like property that could be bartered for. How much is your father asking? FU
Later I got a second marriage proposal from the youngest in the crew. He looked deep into my eyes, declared his love for me, and implored me to take him away to America!! For this I didn't need the divorce line, I just told him no and walked away.
In Vanuatu, woman volunteers are regularly approached my members of their community to date this great guy or that great guy. Male volunteers also get approached to marry this or that great girl but for women, it can get a little more intense because the country is run on the patriarchal system and a woman's voice is not always heard and respected. So I come out with "I'm divorced and happy about it!" Then I turn the conversation to how great it is that I don't have children or a husband. That I can pursue my passion in community health, that I can travel to great countries like Vanuatu. At which point the men will just go "Oh." and generally have a bemused look on their face as they try to process this. Women will generally give me thumbs up and say "Good for you."
The question is then, in a Patriarchy why is a divorced woman undesirable for marriage and will even be shunned, as in the case of the group leader in Kuwait who would never even look at me after that conversation. Well, in a Patriarchy, by definition, women are withheld from power and must submit their life entirely to a man's rule. This means taking care of his house, his children, and most of all, seeing to his needs and comfort. When a women divorces herself from this situation she is saying that I am a strong, independent woman who is not interested in conforming to this life. Men in a patriarchy have other ways of dealing with a divorcee beside re-marrying them and forcing them to conform. Instead in a patriarchy a divorced woman is often relegated to a third citizen statue. Though the United States still has many patriarchal elements to it, fortunately as a divorcee I am no longer subject those kind of social strictures.
As a divorcee in the United States I can still attain employment, housing for myself, make my own financial decisions, and if I did have children the father would be required to provide equal support. This is not the case in every country in the world. Vanuatu has gender inequality which is evidenced by the fact that there are no women Ministers of Parliament, no women Chiefs, and women are subject to a double standard for conduct and behavior. But when it comes to me saying "I'm divorced and happy about it!" I love the fact that the women's attitude towards this statement is one of a smile and thumbs up.
Comments